Dizzy!

 

So, I have had so many things zooming in my head. It's crazy. Mom has been moved. She is settling nicely to her new place so why is my head still racing? It hasn't been without issues or craziness. For example she had a major panic attack the 2nd week she was living there and they rushed her via ambulance to the hospital! As soon as I got the call I thought - hmmm....sounds like anxiety or a panic attack to me but I am not a doctor. Seems odd that we'd call an ambulance but whatever. Again, NOT a doctor.  Sure enough, maybe I missed my calling.  They sent her back quickly to the facility.  She also was sent with a pile of medications because she had a UTI - UTI's are SO DANGEROUS!! Please, if I can give ANY advice to any of you followers of my journey - If your parent (either Mom or Dad) is suddenly way off kilter demand a urine culture because it's no joke and it will present as anything but a UTI!! You've been warned!!

Escapes - she is still attempting!! She has managed somehow on a locked unit to sneak into the elevator a few times now with families that are leaving!  We are lucky that these families are attune to the behavior of patients on the memory care floor and are patient and kind. She has hopped in the elevator as they head down. They have engaged her in conversation and walk her right to the aide on the next floor down to "help" her find what it is she is looking for.  Lord help me!! Woman is determined if nothing else!

As she has settled in she seems to have really made some lovely friends. I visit weekly. Sometimes I chat with her friends. They always stop in to visit with her. She gets upset at times if I take her away from them so I don't! She is fully vaccinated now. We take her out sometimes and go to lunch and do some shopping. She loves it.  When I am there I am typically cleaning, re-straightening out her drawers etc as she doesn't know where anything goes. I see pajama tops hung and the bottoms no where to be found.  She still loves to shop so that is always something we can do.  Her apartment is cozy and beautiful! I am kind of jealous of how lovely it is actually - clean, quiet, modern...the exact opposite of the chaos filled house I live in!

Panic attacks have become more frequent unfortunately for her.  It's unnerving. The most recent one again was attributed to a UTI - Hopefully that is under control. This is new and scary because she has never suffered from them previously and it takes her a long time to calm down. We have talked about adjusting her meds - I told them to go for it! Whatever she needs to help her, do it! I am sure that she has moments of clarity where she is alone and doesn't know why or doesn't feel familiar! She probably panics! I probably would too! Jesus this sucks!

I try to plan my visits around meal time or activity time.  I don't want to stay too long because she gets upset and wants to leave with me or gets seemingly confused and insists she doesn't live there but if they come and get her for a meal or something fun she jumps right up and runs down the hall with her new friends.  Dad has gone many times to visit and she has literally blown him off to go back to her "girls" He is thrilled - truly. It sounds like 'oh that is so sad' but to him it's the best case scenario. He knows  she is happy and that's really all we care about at this point.  She deserves that - we all deserve that.

We got news a few months back that he too was doing well! Really well. Cancer hasn't grown - no active growth! Hallelujah!  I hadn't even had time to focus on that really until the day we had to join the call. Literally as my sister and I sat conferenced in waiting for him and the doctor to join us it hit me.  I thought I would puke and had a bucket on my lap in case. I hadn't allowed myself to go there because I had too much other stuff to focus on and within seconds I was going to have no choice!  I sat there like a robotic version of myself as I have done many many times in the last year and listened - "NO ACTIVE GROWTH" I think I blacked out after that! I remember I burst out crying the second I hung up the phone at my desk and the boys immediately panicked and said "Is Papa going to die!!??" I laughed and said "No - my God, NO - not yet!!"

When I look back I was a robot for 6 months. I did what I had to do to get through everything - Paperwork for her, more paperwork, cancer, treatments, coverage, finding a spot for her and then another spot, more paperwork - I laugh at times and think, "did all that really happen!?? Oh and let's not forget in the middle of a friggen world wide pandemic!!" All of us are uneasy and worried - what more could we handle? Are we going to get Covid on top of all this and that will be the end for us? All this hard work and care for them and this is how it will end!? Wouldn't that just be a kick in the ass!

So why am I dizzy?? Everything should be calm and peaceful and I should be enjoying the roller coaster being over but instead,  I feel shaky and anxious. Why now!? No Covid! I have had my first vaccine and the second will follow in the coming weeks. They are both fully vaccinated as is my mother-in-law. The elders are safe!! Why now!? Shouldn't I be celebrating? Living it up!? Not giving two shits because we made out of this. She is safe and settled. He is healthyish (making a comeback) and although we have had to go into lockdown a few times (*knock on wood*) we have made it out unscathed from Covid and everything else the universe has tossed at us! For now at least!

This is not something I have ever felt before. I am a pretty matter of fact person if I were to describe myself. I am dramatic (about stupid stuff!) just ask the boys,  but when shit hits the fan, I am your girl. I am calm, rational and I never let them see me sweat.  Now all I want to do is hide under some blankets and cry. Have I done it, nope! Why?? Well honestly, I am kind of afraid that if I let myself go there I won't be able to come back. I won't come out from under the covers and I certainly won't stop crying.

Easter is this weekend. I am hosting my dad and my m-i-l and my sister-in-law and family and our cousins.  I am so excited! I have never hosted Easter (well sort of - I did 16 yrs ago when I had just come home with Connor from the hospital) but this year it's on. I bought WAAAAY too many eggs and WAAAAY too much candy and goodies for the kids (I have teenagers - you know this!!) but my niece and nephew are younger so everyone is playing along! Twist my kids arms on candy! I often say that Connor is 6'2" now because of  the "garbage" diet! Can't wait! I borrowed a table, have folding chairs - I am ready!!  I even took Friday off to clean and prep so why am I so damn sad!?? This is silly, right?!

When I got the weekly update from the Memory Care unit on Monday, we talked about Easter, I read it and had to look away. I almost burst out crying. Not a good look at the office.  I can't believe she won't be here. We can get her and bring her here but it's really not a good idea. Too much disruption. So, is this how it will be? We've had the last of the holidays together? He will go there for dessert. I will go on Saturday. Easter isn't a big deal. I hadn't spent it with them in YEARS - and when they moved back we'd do breakfast and then my family would go to the in-laws. This is NOT a big deal.  

So again, why am I so upset!? I am nearly 50. Why do I suddenly feel like a lost teenager who doesn't know what to do with out her Mommy!? She hasn't been "with us" for years really! Is it that I am coming to terms with the finality of what's happened? That she is now in a new place? That I realize that she really is "gone" in so many different ways even though she is physically here.  Is it that I have PTSD in a sense from all that has happened in the last year? Do I even have that right? People have it far far worse than me. I feel ridiculous when I think about it but then I think about it and I could literally cry if you look at me the wrong way.  What's up with that!?

I am not sure I even have a point right now. I feel sad. I feel glad. I am glad she is doing well. Is it what I would do or how I would care for her - NO. Simply put, NO. BUT - to that end, I can't care for her or I would be. Maybe that's part of it. The guilt now that I know I can't care for her. In some sense I feel as though although I did everything to find her the best possible care, it's guilt that it doesn't come from me? Will I get over this? I sure hope so. I think so.  It's still new, fresh and a lot.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop I guess. Who knows.

....and like that I just got a call from them that she is having a panic attack and they can't calm her.  Do I hop in the car and go to her or will that make her worse?! Over an hour later and many calls back and forth, she is calm.  I spoke to her.  She called me "mom" and referred to me as her mother twice...maybe just like me and all of us, she just needs her Mom!  

And so the journey continues....