STOP THE RIDE I WANT TO GET OFF

So - I  need to start this with a thousand different thank yous to so many of you amazing people that have checked in and asked about my mom over the last 2 weeks.  I couldn't respond to everyone and I didn't elaborate with others because it's been a lot. More than the stress of putting her in a home was the stress that followed. Some of you have been in the fold the entire time and have been my sounding boards as I truly felt at moments I may legitimately have a nervous breakdown and others as you found out reached out immediately to offer a hand or just to let me know you were thinking of me! I am blessed indeed.

We made it through the holidays. We were able to all get together but it felt like there was something looming over our heads. It was of course. We knew that we would be moving her right after the new year. I was packing things, labeling things, buying things getting it all together.  As the day grew closer I slept less and less. I picked her up on the 6th knowing this was it. Our last "outting" until Covid ends. We went and got pedis so that she was in good shape to go move. You need to have pretty feet. I don't care what season it is. She loved it and was so happy with her old lady mauve that she chose. I didn't sleep at all that night!

January 7th - One of the absolute toughest days as an adult and 100% the toughest thus far as a daughter.  It was "D" Day - Delivery day as I call it.  I had to bring her to her new "home" - I cried all morning before going to relieve her aide to bring her. Dad was at an appointment.  My sister couldn't do it - too much and she was far too emotional. In retrospect I get it but I had no choice, one of us had to do it!  I had my hubs in tow and off we went.  

As I said goodbye to her aide that has been truly AMAZING, I could see her get choked up and even in the era of Covid she reached for my mom and gave her the biggest sweetest hug and my mom wiped her tears not knowing why. I had to walk away. When I returned she reached for me I said in a very broken voice - THANK YOU!! THANK YOU SO MUCH!  and I quickly ran to the bathroom as the hubs showed her out.  I had given her an envelope with a "gift" and a letter of recommendation and note telling her if she needed anything at all to please not ever hesitate to reach out as I would be happy to help her.

We grabbed Mom's coloring book and her caddy that she never leaves home without and off we went. It was a quiet ride and I just kept taking deep breaths.  As we approached the road that her new home is on she said "Huh, this reminds me of the place that I put Vovo" I said "What? -The Nursing home!?" she responded with "YES"  I looked at my husband and nearly passed out. As we got closer I said "Mom, Do you remember coming here with me and Tarah a few weeks ago?" she responded with "Yes" and I said "Great, remember how much you liked it and how you said you would be absolutely happy to stay here?" Her tone immediately changed and she said "Oh No - I know what you are doing!! I am NOT staying here!" - What the actual hell!!?!?! You haven't known jack shit for years but right now at this moment you are 100% clear!? Seriously!??!?!  I said "Mom, you need to stay here for a bit - Dad is sick and can't care for you right now - you will love it and you will make a lot of friends!"  By now we pull in - I start to get out of the car and turn around and say "Come On" she says "I am NOT Getting out of this car!!!" I say "Mom, come on - you have to- it will be great as I give her a huge smile" She says "I know that smile!!" I respond with "What- the smile of a daughter that loves you more than anything in the world?" as she then huffs and in the snarkiest way ever says "Yah, Right!!"  

I thought walking in she would bolt away. I thankfully had snagged a handful of lifesavers from their place and offered her one. That broke the ice - she never says no to candy. By now we are ringing the doorbell. Breathe Leslee BREATHE. The door opens and the staff there immediately treats her like a queen! "Oh Joanne - we are SO HAPPY to see you -come with us!!" I give her a quick hug and they take her off. I tear up as I am talking to the executive director. She assures me she will be FINE and they will check in with me later in the day to let me know how it's going.  That's it. Off we go!  As we walk by her room the hubs says - she is going to see us!?!? I said "Nah -she won't be looking!" Well, sure in hell she knocks on the window and is waving like crazy - I nearly died! I waved back like crazy and blew her kisses. She blew them back and off we went. I instructed my hubs that his one job was to drive me to a bar!! It took us three tries before we found one that was open - thanks Covid!

Earlier in the day I had texted my boss to let her know that I was actually going to put my out of office signature on and put in for PTO for the last half of the day because I was going directly to a bar once this was over with and since I work in the HR department I know that my having a liquid lunch absolutely violates at least one HR policy but of course I will still be available and respond just not "officially" She laughed and said "GOOD LUCK and Bottoms Up!" Once we finally found the open bar, it was truly one of the best drinks I have ever had or maybe ever needed!

The day progressed and I texted the director around 4:30 - no response so I just assumed she was busy. That was my first mistake!  Nope - they were out chasing my mom.  She had escaped. We chose to not put her on a locked unit (mistake #2) because she has never been exit seeking aside from once when she was in NH with my cousin and it was determined that she had a UTI so we never worried - mistake #3. They found her 1/4 mile away. They felt that she was fine and this was just going to be an adjustment. They also immediately changed their process. The second the alarm goes off someone runs outside, no more checking the residents rooms first!  She is much 'healthier' than their typical resident who can't get far fast. She can move and move fast!

That was it - everything spiraled from there! The next day she was "ok" but kept saying she needed to go home. This is all normal behavior but made me nervous of course. Thankfully she was easily directed. By the weekend I was feeling "better" but not great. Well, on Sunday shit hit the fan!! She escaped once. Tried to escape again and bring another resident with her - My hubs thinks she was plotting the great escape in the activity room! They put me on the phone with her. I asked why she was leaving and she sounded scared and sad. I could actually feel my heart breaking as I said "Mom, PLEASE - you are safe and you have friends there. Please don't try and leave. We will see you soon!!" By the third attempted escape the weekend nurse was DONE.  I could tell. That's it. We need to figure this out. Maybe it is the weekend? Maybe it is that there is less staff on but regardless she doesn't seem safe. No fault of the facility and I have only good things to say about them but she is not safe to herself or them! 

Now what do we do!?!? Monday morning I text my guardian angel who helped me find her initial spot. She is a wreck.  She feels as bad as I do. She felt like it was her fault because she recommended it.  Absolutely NOT her fault. How would we know let alone her?  She had never been exit seeking! Now she is and now it's not safe.  Ok - we are on it!! My angel and I am telling you without question she is exactly that to me.  Calls, emails, program applications - it's insanity.  We are still filling out all the grant applications that we have to fill out for them.  She is on target to be all set for 2/1.  We can't lose this or I am back to square one and when I tell you hours, days, weeks worth of time has gone into all this I am not exaggerating!  Great, so now we are looking for a bed that will honor the grant she is going to be on -Awesome! Now we are even more limited.  WTH!?!? What the actual Hell ??

I spoke with the Executive Director Monday night. I told her we were going to keep looking for a spot for her.  She didn't disagree. She said they want it to work out and wouldn't give up but that they want her to be safe also.  That to me was - "You need to move her!" Tuesday we started the family email chain with the options we had- I think there about 40 that went back and forth! It was a lot.  Tuesday afternoon I got a text "Call me NOW - I have amazing news. I have something for your mom!"  I immediately called and was told they had a bed, only one that was offer the PACE Grant- for her at an amazing facility in Stoughton. Locked memory care. She would be in her own apartment but it's full care. WHAT!?!? Seriously!?? OMG it's like winning the lottery!  She told me the executive director would be calling shortly. I am telling you if there are angels on earth she is mine! The work and effort that was given to me and my family - there are no words.

Within an hour I was on the phone with the ED.  She said we could come tomorrow to look. The email with links went out to my dad/sister. I told them that I was going the next day and Dad was coming with me.  I was already sold just based of my google searches and facility search but of course we needed to go see it. We met there at 9:30 on Wednesday. There was no question we were moving her. This place is gorgeous.  Not "institutional" like the other place but in addition - SAFE. It's locked. She can't get on the elevator without a code, out a door without a code and neither can anyone else. Everyone that would be living on the floor with her is just like her! She will fit in beautifully. She would have her own place so she would think she was home!  I still think I am dreaming as I give the home she was in notice.  

The home in Norton was amazing.  They totally agreed with our decision. They know she is going to be safer where she is going.  They love her. They are disappointed it didn't work but even if she gets "settled" who's to say in a few weeks she won't exit seek again and we are back at square one.  I need to sleep - something I haven't done in 11 days!! I am almost 50 - I need my beauty rest.  

So, we are all in agreement- MOVE MOM! Sweet baby Jesus!! How am I doing this again and so quickly! Well, my sister was off Monday (MLK JR Day) so I took the day off. That gave us the weekend to put together a living room for her and grab any other incidentals she might need. Her bedroom was all set obviously as we would just move it from the other place.  With the help of great friends offering us coffee / end tables and taking things from my house and Dad's she is set. We were able to put together a beautiful cozy place.

The plan was in place. I notified Norton of our schedule! We picked up the truck at 7am - moved the things from here, his house, and then scurried to them. They kept her away, hidden at breakfast and then the activity room.  Me and my entourage were in and out within 30 minutes and off to Stoughton! We didn't want her to see us and she didn't. I hadn't seen her in 11 days! Eleven long days - they were afraid us visiting would set her off as she was settling and we couldn't really disagree!

My sister was there waiting already bringing in the things she had bought - we divided and conquered.  She took 1/2 the list I had the other and we bought things, brought things and got it done. The boys schlepped the heavy stuff in and we just kept setting things up, making her bed, making sure it was perfect down to the pictures we hung on her walls.  We even decorated the refrigerator with family photos!

He picked her up in Norton at 10:30 and brought her to Stoughton.  It went smooth as silk!  They stayed downstairs, checked in etc.  When she finally came up to see her new digs EVERYTHING was in it's place.  It's so nice! We were so excited to show her. She absolutely loved it!! We told her that we moved her.  We explained that we felt a smaller place was best as Dad is often at the hospital getting treatment -I mean we had to lie here - But she loved it.  As they asked about her meals, what she wanted etc she was so excited to hear that they would cook for her. They will clean for her and they will even do her laundry! "WOW- What a nice apartment you found me!" is what she said. Yes Mom - it's really great and I am really really happy that you love it!! 

I showered her as it had clearly been a few days! Got her into some cozy clothes. They brought her lunch to her and people were in/out to say HI. She was watching a movie with my youngest son. She was content and happy! We all were. Around 1:00 we left her there with Dad. My sis, my son, and I head to the elevator and she (sis) says "UMMM....No tears!! I did it!!" I high fived her as that was our biggest concern and the reason she didn't come the first home.  Off to lunch we went.  As we sat there we both were exhausted but relieved and happy.  We don't feel like she's in a "nursing home" like the other place. This looks like a beautiful home.  She will be happy there - we could tell within seconds but most importantly - she will be SAFE!!

We are able to visit because she has her own place. She has to quarantine of course. We obviously have to wear masks and be super careful but we can "hang out." It didn't feel like we were leaving her at a "home" It truly felt like we were leaving her at her apartment in North. We will see her soon. They know she will leave because she is memory care but they will do their best to redirect.  Regardless she will be well cared for and we will of course visit.

Now we say a little prayer that she is ok and settles in. Here's hoping we all sleep soundly tonight!!!